well this whole week I have been depressed.
I have been stressed about socccer, joe, school, friends.
nothing was going my way.

i hadnt hung out with anyonr but danyell in the past week or so.
major neglection to morgan and kenzie.

i was worried about making soccer only to find out no one gets
 cut from the team and I didnt even have to try!

listen to what joe said!

i talked to him and told him i made the team he was like "congradulations" blah blah blah
later that night he told me "actualy i was suprised you made the team"
i was like "really? how come" thinking maybe he thought i could do better and could have made varsity or something.


no he meant "i didnt think you would make any team, youre slow"

i was sooooo mad!
this is the first thing i genuinely wanted and tried for in years!

so that made me mad.

and also him and emma were talking more to each other than ever!

comments! text messages! phone calls! everything!
he had been a jerk to me all week.

then emma told him how excited she was to make the soccer team for her school, and he was ilke good luck and then when she DIDNT he was like "oh, well I'm stil here for ya"


SHE DIDNT EVEN MAKE THE TEAM AND HE WAS NICER TO HER!!!

urghhhh.

so all week i was planning on talking to him on friday about our relationship,

[thrusday was our 5 month anniversary]

so i went and got him goonies on DVD and chocolate milk.
i brought it over and everything was going fine. i completely
forgot about having the "serious conversation"
then about an hour into the movie i remembered and i decided i would 
do it right before i left. [15-20 min. prior]

i was soooo nervous.

he went upstairs to change from his shorts to his pants and i did something bad...
really bad...
i looked in his phone to see the text messages.
and what i saw....

first i looked at ones she sent to him:

"i love penis"
"hey"
"are you and jackie not together ne more"


i was freaking out!!!
why would she ask that?
i dont understand.

he came down stairs and that was it.
i was sad.
i became depressed.
he could tell somehting was wrong

joe:"is their something wrong?"
me:"nope"
joe:"are you sick?"
me:"nope"
joe:"are you lying?"
joe:"no, i'm  not lying!"
me:"are you tired?"
joe:"yup, thats it. I'm tired"
me:"oh okay..."


i was being so cold and distant.
i felt even worse.
i knew i had to tell him but i couldnt.
i just.... couldnt.
i was scared that what if he gets mad and hates me
or what if we decide that it would be best to break up.
its scary to know that the person  you love might not be their anymore...



well anyways he went upstairs for food so i looked at his phone again and 
i saw messages he sent to her.
nothing too incriminating except

"youre hott"


that made me mad.



well my moms being a bitch I'll finish this later.

I made jv!!!
i made the jv soccer team.
well everyone made either varisty or jv but I dont care.
 I know I'm pretty good so I think I'm starting at our scrimage tommorow.
tommorow me and joe will be going out for 5 months!
thats almost half a year!


oh my get what joe did this weekend!

we hang out every friday or saturday, right?
wellhe was too busy to hang out friday, I dont really care we still have saturday.
I call him  on sturday and he didnt call me back until 7:30.
i'm not really allowed to go to his house much past 7 just because my mom has to come get me 
in 2 hours.
I didnt really wanna go much past 7 either, its just pointless.
finaly I get a hold of him and guess who hes with....
come on guess...
evan!
I hate evan!
he broke up with cat and when I say broke i mean he 
not only isnt going out with her anymore
he broke her heart into pieces!!!


so he feels bad and around 8:30 ish he calls and asks me if i want to go to dennys with him and evan.

i dont want to go but I'm reluctant and do.
i also made morgan go with me.
 then later time and sean arrived.

so it was tim, sean, joe, evan, morgan and i.


idk i was kinda mean to him.
but he deserved it.


ditching me for evan.
homo.

SORRY LOVES, SOCCER IS SOOO HARD.
i am sore & tired and have tons of homework.
I think me and joe are going to break up because that emma girl that I have become friends with is getting really annoying.
she is still acting all "in love" with joe
she tells him in myspace crap "i miss you, youre cute, i love you" blah blah blah bull shit!
shut up emma! honestly!
urghh he's mine.
well for the time being.
i seriously dont know why he wont just break up with me.
we barely talk, i know he find me annoying with my randomness,
soccer for me & baseball for him is starting.
like... theirs no point.
I could make it work.
I am patient.
I dont flirt with other people.
I can handle this whole "distance thing"
idk if he can.
he acts like he dosent even care.
why should I put so much effort into such a lost cause.

its like soccer.
i dont even want to do all this extra conditioning since I dont even know  if i will make the team.
I hate saying it but it really is joes fault that things are like this.



oh another thing.
I text joe when something cool happens at school, right?
he never responds.
oh well?


no not oh well.

he always says he only  has 500 messages each month,
who else is he teaxting to be so worried about going over?
fucking emma!!
every day!
even when i'M FUCKING WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm sleepy
bye lovely people
 

ehh internet hasnt worked.
i havent been super happy.
the day i get it back.
horrible things happen.
Fuck myspace & the URL it rode in on.
seriously.
Fuck it.
I hate it.
Its done nothing but ruin my god damn life.

well... I got an infection in my finnger!!]
its fucking sick.
It takes me twice as long to type because i cant use my ring finger.
its about the size of an average males thumb. I have very long & thin fingers. my thumb is the same size as joes ring finger. soo yah that should give you an idea.

well things at joes house on saturday got a little "out of hand" & thats as far as I'll go but since saturday he has been super-sweet to me :D I havent been happier.
hes been so sweet that i end up being the mean one between the 2 of us.

Ive wrote about it before but I tell joe every night if he cant sleep he NEEDS TO CALL ME! or else I'm going to kick him in the face.
I tell him this because okay heres the whole thing:

he calls me everynight at 11:00 & we make a wish at 11:11 & we get off the phone at various times. [depending on how tired we are]
well more often than not he is really tired.
well like twice a week I find out that he didnt fall asleep till 1 or 2
once i found this out I installed the rule that he must call me!
he never really took advantage of this....

no matter what time of day it is he tell me when ever I talk to him I make him sleepy.
i used to be offended by this because that means I'm boring...
But he explained to me that its more of an "at ease-sleepy" not a "boring sleepy"

sooo on monday & tuesday he has called me.
both around 1 or 2 am.

it makes me really happy, for him to call :D


mmmm I'm done bye bye

i can type much due to physical reasons but I will tell you all whats new soon.



sorry about all the long long long long entires.
i just bottle everything up until I NEED TO EXPLODE.
then it alll comes out.



gotta go.

ouch pain.



bye lovers
-hellloooo88

uhm from like 2 or 3 preious entries I had something to say & couldnt remember what, well I remembered in the car 20 minutes after I wrote my entry I remembered.


I AM THE JEALOUS TYPE.
EXTREMELY.
i get jealous over everything.
But ive learned to keep it to myself because jealousy is the stupid & anytime my friends tell me how their soo jealous that their boyfriends off doing something & having fun with out them I just want to slap them in the face.
jealousy is a sign of clingy-ness & being clingy is a sign of weakness.
I refuse to appear weak.
even though I really am.
like its horrible.
I cant appear weak or sad.
idk why.

today to joe I was like
"joe I think I sound sadder than I really am"
I said this because sometimes after he says something some-what mean hes like "jeeze calm down"
to any response I have.
like I'll be sarcastic & say something mean back
or I'll be speechless, it all depends anyways i said that to him and hes like
"Are you kidding me? you never sound sad."

one time a while ago he told me
"yorue never sad"


hearing that makes me sad/happy.
sad because:
like he never knows how I'm feeling.

happy because:
hes never seen me weak.


idk i am tired and feel like eww


-j.kapp

well I stayed home from school today because I had a paper due, tons of other home work, I'm really tired & I have a stomach ache.
its feels kinda like the ones you get on "that time of the month" only its not. its just my stomach being a homo.


well me and emma still get along so nothing new their.
but I'm sure yorue all curious why I was crying so much taht I couldnt even finish an entry on valentines day!
well it was joes fault.
he admitted it.


first of all joe has been a total dick this whole week
[pardon my language]
anyways he has been short with me, very distant, uninterested in anything I say or feel, making fun of me for things he knows I'm insecure about, just really dick-like things.

Ive just been like " what the fuck" the whole week.
& it was the icing on the cake on valentines day.
[literaly]
so I went to HIS friends house because I wanted to go to HIS youth group to see HIM to give HIM, HIS valentines day present.
even though I was well aware HE got ME nothing

well heres the whole story.....

wednesday [valentines day] we had a snow day.
i didnt think we would have one so I made plans to hang out with his friends the day before so it would be easier for me to see him.
[we live in different cities, if you forgot]
even if we did have a snow day, he always has basketball practice at 5 o'clock every day, monday thru friday [also on sunday at 10 am]
so unless i went to his friends house & went to his stupid youth group, wouldnt see him on valentines day.
well i find out around 3 ish before i leave for his friends house
[the friends house i went to was hopes, hope=girl]
he says "yay! i dont have practice!"
I'm like "fuck" and I'm mad because now he can hang out for like 2 hours but I made plans to be with his friends.
I feel like a jerk.
youre all probaly like "just invite him to HIS friends house too"
well I cant. He has to stay home & do some stuff. His parental units wont let him out.
[this probaly sounds really really confusing, sorry!]

well i'm not about to break plans with hope & everyone elsee waiting for me at her house so I leave around 5-ish & hang out their until 7 [when youth group starts]
so we walk their & its FREEEEEEEEZING out, but oh well right?
I want to see my boy on valentines day. Ive never had a boyfriend on valentines day, whats less an actual boyfriend.
So yah I was really really really excited.

boy was I stupid.
I always tell myself to never, ever, ever! get my hopes up, dont expect much because once you have expectations... you can be let down.
& I, myself & a walking let down , but thats another story, entirely.
anyways... so i had a girl named sara drive the cake over so i wouldnt drop it while on the walk over to the church for yg [youth group]
well I walk in & all the guys are like " CAN I HAVE SOME CAKE?!?"
Well I was a little...
worried/curious because I wanted it to be a cute suprise for joe & I didnt know if he was their already.
he wasnt thankfuly! sara just told a few people when she walked in. no big deal. wellI found the cake and i placed it at the front desk and stood in front of it. so when he walked in all he would see is me.
well he came a few minutes later.
but while I was waiting this guy [rather old] was telling me what a nie girl I am for making my boyfriend such a nice cake.
[funfetti with tons! of sprinkles, & shapped like a big heart , pshhit was an amazing cake!]
well he came in & I showed him & he had no expression on his face except embarasement & he just hugged me & said " you butt-munch "
uhm..yah kids hate to break it to you but that is NOT the reaction I wanted

well wednesday nights at yg the guys & girl sepperate into differnt rooms & talk about crap.
i knew this.
i was willing to sit in a room full of girls that i've met a few times at previous yg things but never really knew, just so I could give him a stupid cake & for him to call me a "Butt munch"
yah thats not cool.
w/e



well after an hour or so the guys came busting in & took our cake & cookies.
soo i found joe & tried talking to him.
he ignored me.
everything i did or said he made a gross face at me like he was truely disgusted & walked away.
do you know how bad that hurts?
on the day when youre supposed to be your nicest to the person you love, youre mean and hurtful.
i tried so hard to keep a smile.
but it hurts so bad when the person you love soo much is acting strange.
I asked him that night like i have every night the past week 
"are you okay"
he always says "yah, just tired" 
and that makes me feel stupid. like I'm over reacting or something.
so he was being a jerk & I thought it was my fault.
he told me nothing was wrong with him, soo i thought
"is their something wrong with me? am i crazy? am i the one being mean?"
i was confused



he gave me a ride home with his dad.
his dad was trying to make conversation and was like 
"hmm.. everythings turning to ice these days, windows, cars...."
I interject with "joes heart"
i said it very softly but mr.McCarthy said
"hahah sounds like you said , like joes heart"
I was just saying it as a joke.
even though it was true.
joe responded with "yah. she did."
then he turned on this song.
i think it was by daphne loves derby
its basicly what made me cry.
it was about a noy who missed a girl.
he wanted to tell her.
& about him sitting ont he kitchen floor crying about it.

it made me wish so bad that he missed me.
& he felt the way this boy did about this girl.


well... i cried & couldnt stop.
i dont think he noticed.
 but finaly we got to my house & when I get out & joes driving he reaches back and grabs my knee.
you know where it tickles the most?
yah well he did that & usualy I'm like "joe! stop, thank you for taking me home, appreciate it. see you later"
but instead i was getting out & he grabbed my knee i just pushed him away and said "bye"


i came home & cried on my living room floor.
no one was home so i just cried, i tried to write about it on here but it just hurt even more to relive it.
so i cried in my rooom, composed my self a bit & called danyell so i could work on our skit for spanish the next day. 


she told me about her valentines day.
bryce got her orchids, & wrote her this big long letter about how much he loved her.
& how she filled his whole room with red & pink & white balloons & hid underneath all of them & Suprised him.

she asked me about mine & she couldnt believe it.
she was like
"you went to his youth group with people you dont know, brought him a cake, & he called you a butt munch & ignored you all night?" 
and that made me cry even more & i told her  in a quiet voice
"want to hear something even more horrible?"
shes like "sure.."
i said....
" i think joes going to break up with me"
shes like "why?!"
 and then she was like " oh wait hold on bryce is calling"
& Then she came back, told me something mean he did & i was like " oh I'm sorry, I gotta go, bye"


i came back from online & joe left me a message saying
 "I'm sorry I've been weird lately,  havent been feeling  myself"
i wrote back just to be considerate " yah I'm sorry too, i think Ive been over reacting"
hes like " no its all good"

i wanted to hear something like " no, youve been fine, ive been a jerk"
 but w/e hes stupid.
he called me an hour later & further apolagized.
he told me he didnt know what was wrong hes just been feeling weird.
i changed the subject & Thats it.
the end.
I'm okay with him now.


actualy their is more but I'll write it later.


SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LONG, BUT NOW YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT MY VALENTINES DAY MASACRE

uhm i must be a bad girl friend because joe wouldnt talk to me all night & he was acting awkward.

i dont know why.
i'll finish this in a bit.
i cant stop crying, i strated to cry in his car with his dad.
:[ :[ :[




i hate valentines day

"but what if emma lived in the same town as you guys? would you not care more and be suspicious at all?"
-from stades.

My response:
HELL YESS i would be really mad.
thats another big reason why I'm not as mad.
if emma was on their & she went to school with him then...
well actualy I dont think we'd even be going out.
I think He would prefer emma over me in a minute.
shes pretty, funny, really nice [perfect in other words]
like I'm sure if anyone asked him he would deny it
but I think he would leave me for her.
but shes not here.
thankfuly!!!!!!!!
I Dont think she ould go out with him.
I think she see's him as more of a friend.


hmmmm
their was something else I wanted to say.
hmmm I guess I'll just think about & remember later.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY.
p.s.
I love tessa's lunch from her mom.
haha the crazy native man.
it was amzazing.
bye bye
lovers

haha well its 1 am on valentines day & were most likely going to have a snow day & the only reason I am updating is because "unwritten diary" is such an eager beaver.
well... I wanted to get to know emma.
like really well... soo
1. I could figure out what was SO AMAZING ABOUT HER.
2. Because he might feel bad about it or something.
like " oh shit, I cant talk to one of jackies friends like that"
IDK I talked to her & we found out we both have this amazing love for ska music & pretending to be ghetto.
so we bonded.
I gave her my SN so she would IM me. she didnt for a while & well the next day I went to homo's [joes] & once again! he flips his phone the wrong way & she is the background! that means he changed it!
but for some reason it really and truely didnt bother me.

this is my new idea & I am trying to stick to it.
-he is amazing. he could have anyone in the whole entire world, if he wanted them. but he chooses me.
"why?" you ask . I have no fucking clue but if he really wanted to he could break up with me & Find someone better then me or better yet, just be single & talk to as many girls as he wants.
but he doesent.
hes with me.
idk if its for sympathy, or he just likes stability, or he thinks hes too far in to break up with me, or hes too tired to go find someone new.
I have no idea why but hes still with me && That has to mean something.

right?

well back to the emma-thing,
I talked to her & she finds me fascinating she thinks I am hilarious & we were twins sepperated at birth.
I dont really know why people find me so charming I guess that would be the term.
but alot of people talk to me & like me.
I get invited to things & I dont understand why.

w/e why question a good thing eh?

hmmm joe was mean tonight, well not mean just like he gets a little additude-thing & i know he tries not to & i know its cause hes tired but still.... contain your self. I'm sweet as pie even when i am mad. pissed , crazy & out of my mind. actualy i take that back. once i was mean all day & wouldnt talk.
he tried all day to make me feel better on the phone && he thinks he said something REALLY funny to make me happy but really i was just happy that he was even attempting to make me not-mad.

now i think about it its happened twice once on the phone and once like 3 weeks or so ago at his show.
if you read that, you remember how bad I felt.


i wish to never relive that pain & embarasment.

hmmm...
I baked joe this heart shaped cake with white frosting [it was funnfetti flavored cake] with lots of sprinkles. i took forever!!!
i hope he likes it...
hmm I love him.
alot.
lalalla
bye bye.

unas preguntas
amigos?
any questions
friends?

I'm really tired so I wont be able to finish my "joe/emma story"
but if any of you were mad/curious about as to why I havent commented you in a while, well its because live journal hasnt let me add anyone. like at all! so if youre journal is locked/semi locked. I cant comment!
But believe me I do read what everyone writes.
dont hate me :[

i'm pissed
just deleted my whole entry.
write when i'm not as fucking mad

okay well I was worried everyone [lj pals & my real ones] would think I was on crack, crazy for being soo worried abou this but from talking to you lovers & my buds you all seem to be on my side.
[sigh of realief]
I told danyell &  morgan.
danielle told me about her guy problems & I told her mine she basicly said it was really shitty & weird for a guy to do that. & I told her I wouldnt have even been half as mad if he didnt try to hide it. & she agreed.
like ... HE KNEW it was wrong & then he changed it.
he knew it!
he knew it was wrong.
what ever.
I'm starting to be okay with it.
If he just left the screen alone... then i wouldnt even care.
w/e w/e w/e w/ewekq ofdkfdsh;

well danyell said I should add her
but message her too so its not creepy & i get to know her.
SO I DID!!
heres most of it:

 

[bottom to top]


I like how i'm the "lucky girl friend"
pshh w/e
I'm reading into this too much.
joe went away with his youth group this weekend so he has no idea i am mad.
he went up north so he barely gets a signal 
i've talked to him for a total of like 6 maybe 7 minutes.
one of the times i was only half awake [9 am]





I made my confirmation last night.
for you kidzz that dont know what that is 
it means i confirmed my adult-hood in the catholic church
I try not to talk about religion or  politics in my lj too much because its uncomfterable & dont like
 to start arguments.
 but I really dont feel like I am catholic.
I believe in a"supreme being" but I dont believe that mary, magicaly got impregnated and her son was Jesus, the son of god who forgives people & helped the blind & all that jazz.
 I believe that our earth is more than 6 thousand years old [more like millions upon million]
& something created us whether its alah, god, any of them.
I havent told joe how I feel though, i think it would break his heart because since his last g/f broke up with him  he turned to god because he felt soo out of place& heart broken.
 which is good,
I dont judge people, i think its great that you believe in god , just as long as you believe in something its great.  something made me,.
 i just wish everyone was so understanding & thought the same, just as long as its something.
well i shouldnt say  that because if you dont believe in anything at all.
nothing.
then.... oh well.
its your life.
half my friends are die hard catholics/christians the other half are die hard athiest/agnostics.
& I love both of them equaly.
their all great people.
 religion doesent make you & who are or what you represent.
YOU DO.
the churches make it sound like you should surround your world around them & god & thats where you get everything, I think only  you & fate decide who you are.
oh well, I hope this little entry doesent cause too much tension...
love you all
peace biaz
:]

hey guys,
Sorry sorry sorry sorrrrrrrrrry,
i can not believe how horrible I have been on updates.
anyways. me & joe have been doing really well.
he hasnt been messing up much :]
hah no okay listen [read] this:
I was being really weird the other night.
 i knew I wasnt going to see him for like a week and half or 2 
{for anyone with a significant other that is FOREVER}
anyways I knew he was stessed out all day because he had a big show for his band that night & he was having it in his basement welll he got kinda short with me. like he called me a few times & was having a mean tone & didnt say "i love you" before he hung up & this got me mad. I dont really know why. I mean stuff like that happens alot when hes really stressed. which is fine cause I wouldnt want him to "fake happiness" towards me. I mean thats just silly.
Any ways I was nice to him at first when I got to his house for the show, but he wouldnt really talk to me. this kinda made me mad  then he didnt sit next to me after he played & he talked to this girl that likes him. soo all that together made me mad.
really mad
oh yah and he hit me. like a play-hit though. really light, i could barely even feel it. anyways i was mad. I wuldnt look at him, iw ouldnt talk to him. every time he touched me i would just scowl at him. i do this sometimes but only for a few minutes & then I am back to normal.
not this time. i yah soo... he was like "When will you stop being a but munch?"
yah that didnt help.
i just got more mad.
So i kept on being a bitch.
then i was getting mad at myself for ruining his time & letting him get the best of me. 
so finaly i just gave up, gave him a kiss and told  him i was sorry.
then later on he apolagized too.
then once again.
 i told him not to be sorry, it was my fault for being stupid.
then he said something like 
"dont talk like that"

yah... well I g2g
write more later
-jackie

one of the bestfriends